Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Wait a minute…
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.