[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid