Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
You Might Also Like
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.