My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
This kid will have a bright future.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”