We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.