You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
cry laughing at this shit
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving