Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of markhoppus's best tweets

@markhoppus : Doctor Strange used his “super power” to imagine 14 million different possible outcomes for a specific situation, like I don’t already do that every single night.

@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."

@markhoppus: [extreme taylor swift ‘look what you made me do’ voice]
it’s captain kangaroo
it’s captain kangaroo
it’s captain kangaroo hey look
it’s captain kangaroo

@markhoppus: I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.

@markhoppus: Kylo Ren is so tortured because he can’t decide if his final form is supposed to be goth or emo.

@markhoppus: DON'T TELL ME CAGE CAN'T BE THE ELEPHANT'S NAME BECAUSE THERE'S NO COMMA WHEN THERE'S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!

@markhoppus: Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.

@markhoppus: SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS

@markhoppus: I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@markhoppus: The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.