Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of markhoppus's best tweets

@markhoppus : SomeBODY once told me My Whole Foods macaroni Would be delivered by UPS

@markhoppus: I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@markhoppus: The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@markhoppus: During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends' step counts.

@markhoppus: Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@markhoppus: Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I'm calling the damn cops.

@markhoppus: The Sorting Hat seems like bad hygienic practice.

@markhoppus: Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.

@markhoppus: i appreciate the song "the boys are back in town" because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."