Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Not all heroes wear capes.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.