Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you