Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of markydoodoo's best tweets

@markydoodoo : [at dog park] ME: it's ok, she's friendly. THEM: is, is that a crab? ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.

@markydoodoo: *swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

@markydoodoo: I bet my doctor wasn't expecting to say "Sir, that is not a toy" so many times today.

@markydoodoo: DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I'm so hungry, David

@markydoodoo: if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

@markydoodoo: THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

@markydoodoo: If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

@markydoodoo: *gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@markydoodoo: [House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

@markydoodoo: [rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo