Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of markydoodoo's best tweets

@markydoodoo : me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood me: one sec

@markydoodoo: They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@markydoodoo: The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

@markydoodoo: if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@markydoodoo: sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@markydoodoo: [me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

@markydoodoo: i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

@markydoodoo: why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@markydoodoo: [explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.