Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of markydoodoo's best tweets

@markydoodoo : Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

@markydoodoo: *flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

@markydoodoo: [first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

@markydoodoo: At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It'll be confusing af. Can't wait.

@markydoodoo: Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn't text u back babe I was grounded.

@markydoodoo: The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

@markydoodoo: There's "disappointment" and then there's "Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment"

@markydoodoo: I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@markydoodoo: [eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself