@markydoodoo: me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
@markydoodoo: They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
@markydoodoo: if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
@markydoodoo: sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
@markydoodoo: [me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
@markydoodoo: why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone