@markydoodoo: if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
@markydoodoo: sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
@markydoodoo: [me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
@markydoodoo: why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
@markydoodoo: [inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
@markydoodoo: [explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
@markydoodoo: TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
@markydoodoo: [yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?