@markydoodoo: There's "disappointment" and then there's "Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment"
@markydoodoo: I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
@markydoodoo: [eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
@markydoodoo: [Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it's a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
@markydoodoo: [at dog park]
ME: it's ok, she's friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.
@markydoodoo: *swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
@markydoodoo: I bet my doctor wasn't expecting to say "Sir, that is not a toy" so many times today.
@markydoodoo: DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I'm so hungry, David
@markydoodoo: if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.