Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of markydoodoo's best tweets

@markydoodoo : At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It'll be confusing af. Can't wait.

@markydoodoo: Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn't text u back babe I was grounded.

@markydoodoo: The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

@markydoodoo: There's "disappointment" and then there's "Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment"

@markydoodoo: I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@markydoodoo: [eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

@markydoodoo: [Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it's a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@markydoodoo: [at dog park]

ME: it's ok, she's friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.

@markydoodoo: *swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.