No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
A new level of troll.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?