Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Breaking news:
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile