I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website