You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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good let them take over I have had enough
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.