Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
bury ourselves
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
operators are standing by to ignore your call
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.