These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.