[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles