@mattZillaaaa: Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
@mattZillaaaa: I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
@mattZillaaaa: People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer
@mattZillaaaa: Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
@mattZillaaaa: *opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
@mattZillaaaa: I'm totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
@mattZillaaaa: I work with some really great people. They're reliable, they're honest and they never cause any problems. I don't fit in at all.