Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mattZillaaaa's best tweets

@mattZillaaaa : Tomorrow is my company's office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

@mattZillaaaa: Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

@mattZillaaaa: I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@mattZillaaaa: People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer

@mattZillaaaa: Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@mattZillaaaa: *opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

@mattZillaaaa: I've had about 13 beers so I guess I'll give myself a haircut

@mattZillaaaa: I'm totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@mattZillaaaa: I work with some really great people. They're reliable, they're honest and they never cause any problems. I don't fit in at all.