Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mattZillaaaa's best tweets

@mattZillaaaa : Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

@mattZillaaaa: My friend is celebrating 1 week without smoking cigarettes so to celebrate, I’m getting us some cocaine.

@mattZillaaaa: Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@mattZillaaaa: Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@mattZillaaaa: People say you're judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don't keep any company.

@mattZillaaaa: Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@mattZillaaaa: I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

@mattZillaaaa: I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

@mattZillaaaa: A wise man once told me,

"Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"

@mattZillaaaa: My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.