Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Spa day..😅
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄