me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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Can Happiness buy money?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
twitter users today:
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
How I’d get arrested…
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce