I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Wise advice
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!