Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@matt___nelson : DOG 911: what's your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
@matt___nelson: ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds
@matt___nelson: Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
"that all for you today?"
Yes. How long does it usually take?
For them to grow
@matt___nelson: JESUS: so I'm u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don't get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
@matt___nelson: JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
@matt___nelson: "Hey can you take our picture?"
ME: yea sure
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
@matt___nelson: *walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* "May I have 4 sound bagels please"
@matt___nelson: [start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: ...welcome to BP