“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.