There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?