Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale