Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mattgallo123's best tweets

@mattgallo123 : I hate when I'm drunk and someone says "I'll talk to you in the morning" like I'm not gonna be drunk then too.

@mattgallo123: Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.

@mattgallo123: "I'm disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on."

-Marilyn Monroe

@mattgallo123: If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@mattgallo123: I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

@mattgallo123: Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@mattgallo123: Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

@mattgallo123: Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says "it still smells like pot in here."

@mattgallo123: The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

@mattgallo123: Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.