@mattgallo123: Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.
@mattgallo123: "I'm disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on."
@mattgallo123: If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.
@mattgallo123: Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
@mattgallo123: Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says "it still smells like pot in here."
@mattgallo123: The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
@mattgallo123: Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.