My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
You Might Also Like
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.