History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
😆this is so true
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”