Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.