Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
#NoRestForTheWicked
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.