one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time