Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mattytalks's best tweets

@mattytalks : (Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what's going on inside your head (Me, thinking about a panini) I don't want to talk about it

@mattytalks: She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I've ever seen

@mattytalks: A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

@mattytalks: Rather than trying to "change" your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@mattytalks: Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

@mattytalks: Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

@mattytalks: I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was "be right out,I'm taking a shit"

@mattytalks: Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@mattytalks: Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please