Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of maughammom's best tweets

@maughammom : Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

@maughammom: Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!"

Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."

@maughammom: Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can't handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

@maughammom: If you've had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent ...or your life is way more interesting than mine

@maughammom: Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?"

3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."

@maughammom: The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@maughammom: My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

@maughammom: My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.

@maughammom: I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..