I only eat vegetarians.
You Might Also Like
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”