Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
accurate
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.