what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
it must be school picture day
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.