Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl