Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
my professor scared me for a second
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
PLEASE READ
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
normalize having existential bread
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
thank god the sign was there
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?