Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.