“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.