Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
HR said no more nunchucks.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
the greatest twitter interaction
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I don’t know what to do
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???