I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You Might Also Like
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Van Gone
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull