If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password