Waiting for the Charmin
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
is this meant to deter me
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I hope google does well on my son’s test