You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running