have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Happy Febuary everyone!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.