Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
kevin is now a local weatherman
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters