Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.