I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: