Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*pronounces patio like ratio
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode