People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice