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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
With this onion ring, I thee fed
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?