it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.